Berating Brad Stine

To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
-Sir Isaac Newton

Come the 22nd of this month (January '09), my quiet lil' town here in Southern Indiana will be graced with the presence of evangelical comedian Brad Stine. Mr. Stine is, in my opinion, a cheap knockoff of Denis Leary. He emulates Leary's angry comedic style, and he even looks like him for godsake! One major difference: he is dreadfully unfunny. Well, to me anyway.

I was first introduced to Mr. Stine a few years ago at the behest of two of my dear Christian friends who had seen him perform at Promise Keepers, a nationwide fellowship for men. I endured his DVD performance titled Put A Helmet On, thinking beforehand that I might indeed be in for a real treat. It SUCKED. Royally. And I was shocked, since my buddies are exceptionally funny guys with whom I share much in the way of humor and taste--even if not the same religious worldview. I'm telling you--this guy blew billygoats by the farm. I'd be more likely to laugh at a wrecking ball swinging its way into my crotch. And, no, my disdain for his act had nothing to do with some prior anti-Christian bias. I love me some Mel Gibson and Chris Tucker, and those guys love them some Jesus.

What really got me was the way in which Mr. Stine ended his performance. He actually expressed a certain satisfaction in the notion that unbelievers will eventually go to Hell. And the crowd seemed to eat it up.  Granted I do not believe in such nonsense, it sickened me that someone would actually relish the idea. "Take that, you heathens!" No, he didn't say that exactly, but he might as well have. So, right off the bat, this guy was, as Colbert would say, on notice.

And then I see he's coming to my town. And, AND, there's a bigass billboard of his Leary-esque face greeting me on my drive home from work. Ick. Naturally, inquisitive bastard that I am, I couldn't help but delve into his online forays. Sure enough, he maintains a weblog: http://bradstine.blogware.com/

Three of his blogs struck me as particularly caustic in his treatment of secular humanists and atheists: Let There be Pee on Earth, Here Come the Openminded and Too Smart to be Dumb. He appears to be waging a war against their kind in response to some perceived threat to his cherished belief system and way of life. To some extent, the threat may indeed be real. But, he overtly engages in an embittered act of hypocrisy, since he attacks humanists and atheists with precisely the same zeal which he condemns. He obviously doesn't realize that this only fuels the flames of the culture war. But, then, that's his shtick as a performer.   Fine and dandy. Let him suck my shtick. Surely he knows that what goes around comes around--that what's sauce for his ideological opponents is sauce for him.  I suppose I'm further fanning the flames (and being a hypocrite), but it'll be worth it to give this sanctimonious sob a taste of his own ipecac.

Beginning with his most hate-filled blog, Let There be Pee on Earth (a response to the "War on Christmas"), Stine states, "The atheist idiot ideology is at it again.  Apparently taking umbrage with a 19-year tradition of putting a nativity scene and Christmas tree on the lawn of the Washington state capitol they responded with a placard denouncing Christianity as a fairytale and also state that many of the Christmas traditions like choosing Dec 25 and decorating trees was stolen from the pagans."

Well, yeah, jackass, in fact the December 25th date was stolen from the pagans in the 4th century CE. Even Christian scholars concede this point! The December 25th date originally celebrated the winter solstice--the time at which daylight began to gradually increase. It was celebrated by the Romans as Sol Invictus (The Invincible Sun) and had close ties to another ancient festivity known as the Saturnalia--where the tradition of gift-giving began. Under Emperor Constantine, this date (also the birthdate of the Roman savior-god Mithras) became merged with Jesus' birthday in order to unify both Christians and pagans. The New Testament never actually specifies December 25th as the birth of Jesus: in fact, it indicates a birth some time in Spring or early Summer whenever shepherds kept watch over their flock (Luke 2:8).

Obviously, then, the December 25th issue does nothing to undermine the Bible since the New Testament does not reflect this particular pagan inheritance. But, bad news Brad. There are plenty of other pagan ideas, traditions and beliefs that did find their way into your "holy" book. From the creation story in Genesis (derived from Sumerian and Babylonian mythology) to the apocalyptic visions of Isaiah, Ezekiel and Daniel (inherited from the Persians after they freed the Jews from captivity in Babylon) to the scenario by which Jesus' death and resurrection confers salvation and everlasting life (adopted from ancient Greek and Egyptian mystery cults). The Bible is positively rife with paganism. If you're a Christian, you are -ipso facto- a pagan. Henceforth, I will refer to Mr. Stine as Brad Paganstine. Really has a nice ring to it. Like a mix between Palestine (his favorite real-world setting for ancient fiction) and Frankenstein (whom he also happens to uncannily resemble).

Paganstine has surely sought comfort in the false assurances of popular Apologists (defenders of the faith) like Josh McDowell and Lee Strobel, but he ought to know that informed skeptics and critical scholars aren't buying their bullshit. In fact, I recently left Strobel's guts splayed all over the web here: http://www.jesus-project.com/articles/bennett_skeptics_letter.htm

Gross, huh?

Regarding the charge of pagan thievery, Paganstine whines, "Only an atheist could be self deluded enough to believe insulting a religion they don’t believe in by sticking up for a religion they don’t believe in could be considered rational." Actually, only a dimwitted demagogue could be dumb enough to think that atheists are "sticking up for a religion they don't believe in". We're not "sticking up" for paganism: we're pointing out the fact that your belief system is riddled with the same primitive tripe that some Neanderthal began pulling out of his leaf-wiped butt several thousand years ago. There's no double-standard here, jackass: we're equal opportunity insulters.

"Reason after all is the god of the atheist," continues Paganstine. You heard it here. Paganstine thinks "reason" is a bad thing. No wonder he believes what he does. Virtues like reason, rationalism, logic and critical thinking are the Devil. Fucking Aristotle.

"I suppose they do have more in common with the pagan since they both worship creation instead of the creator," Paganstine belches (obviously without resorting to the evils of reason). Just who has more in common with the pagan there, Mr. Winter Solstice-Celebrating, God-Flesh & God-Blood Consuming Cannibal? Yes, the ancient Egyptians were practicing something like the Eucharist long, long ago (ca. 2300 BCE):

Give thou bread to this Pepi, give thou beer to this Pepi, of thy bread of eternity and of thy beer of everlastingness.
All the gods give thee their flesh and their blood…. Thou shalt not die.
(Translations from the Pyramid Texts of Pepi I, Mer-en-Ra, and Pepi II)

Mr. Paganstine cannot utter the word "pagan" without the pot screaming profusely at that little black kettle.

Paganstine then reverts to this: "It is times like this that my faiths dictums become truly intrusive especially the “love your enemy” command. C’mon God, are you sure you didn’t mean beat the crap out of your enemy and then repent?" I think Bernie Mac said it best: "I wish a nigga would!" Seriously, Paganstine, bring it. You might beat the crap out of me, sure. Then again, this plan of action could backfire severely if I end up pounding your skull clear through your ass. There are people who wouldn't put it past me.

Continues Paganstine, "Atheists have been emboldened in recent years not to debate the tribe but instead to insult, malign, attack, disparage and crap on those of us who hold to traditional Christian worldview." Au contraire, Paganbritches. I have tried in earnest on multiple occasions to engage in friendly, constructive debate with Fundamentalists, and the gesture is never reciprocated. It seems when one's cherished beliefs are challenged in the least, they invariably take offense and lash out. So, my attitude any more is, why bother? Especially when I come across the kind of vitriolic spew that you display. Why on earth should I expect any cordial dialogue from someone like you?

"Nothing beautiful and awe inspiring ever came from an atheist worldview," states Paganstine. Now, that's just about the most idiotic overstatement I've ever heard. Apparently, Paganstine has never given notice to the works of Douglas Adams, Isaac Asimov, H.P. Lovecraft, George Orwell, Carl Sagan, Jodie Foster, Bruce Lee, John Malkovich, Sir Ian McKellen, Jack Nicholson, Steven Soderbergh, John Lennon, or George Carlin. Does the man live in a box, or does he simply restrict "beautiful and awe inspiring" to the likes of Ann Coulter, Bill O' Reilly, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.

Paganstine then gags up this bit of nonsense: "You demand our government respect and acknowledge your faith in nothingness." First of all, disbelief in a Supreme Being is hardly tantamount to belief in "nothingness". That's one big fat misrepresentation. Secondly, we don't have to "demand" anything in that regard. Respect and acknowledgment of religious beliefs (or lack thereof) is already a constitutionally guaranteed right provided by the First Amendment. Implicit in the notion of "freedom of religion" is freedom from religion. How 'bout them apples, you sardonic stinkhole?

Then we're treated to this inane drivel: "And yet the only time history has ever seen atheism rule it ended in over 200,000,000 deaths at the hands of Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, and our North Korean gnome Kim Jong il; All that by the way in under a hundred years." Try again, dipshit. Sam Harris exposes the mythical link between religion and morality by noting that the highly secular Scandinavian countries are among the most generous in helping the developing world. Also, guess who made the following statements:

The National Government regards the two Christian confessions (i.e. Catholicism and Protestantism) as factors essential to the soul of the German people.... We hold the spiritual forces of Christianity to be indispensable elements in the moral uplift of most of the German people.

I am now as before a Catholic and will always remain so.

I'll give you a hint: starts with an "H" and rhymes with "ITLER".

Paganstine's next fecal expulsion: "Earth is all we get till we die so it ends up being the atheist’s nirvana....Earth is it? How pathetic is that?" Yeah, since the good-guys are eventually gonna get sucked up into Magical Happyshits Hotel & Resort Among the Clouds, let's just trash this place! Never mind that Happyshits is nothing more than a subjective article of faith--not truly known to exist and most probably derived from the ancient Egyptian myth of the paradisical Aaru and its Greek equivalent, The Elysian Fields. Let's just throw caution to the wind, cross our fingers and hope for the best! Oh, and fuck our great grandchildren! Fuck 'em!

Paganstine then remarks on "their hatred and bigotry toward God," which is about as sensible as exposing my sheer hatred and bigotry toward Fairies, Unicorns, Elves, Goblins, Pixies, Wizards, Dragons, Trolls, Zombies, Minotaurs, Vampires, Bigfoot, Nessie, Sphinx, Werewolves, Mermaids, Genies, and last but not least, The Boogeyman. Oh, and that Talking Serpent that hit on Eve's fine ass before I got a chance to. Darted-tongued, smooth-talking, slithery little cocksucker.

Paganstine assumes that us atheists and agnostics also hate "Christians in general," but this could not possibly be further from the truth. Many of my most cherished friends and family are Christians. No, we just hate the dogmatic, overbearing morons among them.

"They consider themselves the enlightened ones by plunging humanity into narcissistic darkness," Paganstine flatulates. Well, we can't all live up to faith-based initiatives like the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials and 9/11. But, by-golly, we're working on it, Paganslice.

Next comes this steaming pile of Fundie excrement: "I have a gift for ya. A human brain displayed in a jar of urine. That is the art you have given us, and like a good Christmas fruitcake I figured you would want it back, it’s obvious you’re not using yours." Yes, it's obvious we're not using our brains. This from a guy who actually thinks that Noah stuffed two of every kind of animal into one friggin' boat and that the Earth is only 6,000 years old. A man who's gullible enough to believe that over 200 prophecies find fulfillment in the Bible (i.e. Nostradamian Necronomicon on crack). I have a gift for him. If he thinks that such passages as Isaiah 7:14, 9:6-7 and 53, Psalm 16:8-11 and 22, Zechariah 12:10, Daniel 7:13-14 and 9:25-26 actually refer to Jesus, he can have that "pee" right back as I rain it all over his parade.

Regarding the blog titled Here Come the Openminded, Paganstine upchucks, "To the drive by atheist, Thomas Jefferson prayed at his inauguration and asked those present to join him. He also responded in the same letter sent to the Danbury Baptists which includes his separation of church and state phrase he also said.."And can the liberties of a nation be thought secure if we have lost the only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are the gift of God?"

Heh. Paganscheizen evidently doesn't realize that Thomas Jefferson's reference to "God" was from the position of Deism--not Christianity. Consider these statements:

Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because if there be one he must approve of the homage of reason more than that of blindfolded fear.
-Thomas Jefferson, Letter to Peter Carr, August 10, 1787

Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law.
-Thomas Jefferson, letter to Dr. Thomas Cooper, February 10, 1814

If we did a good act merely from love of God and a belief that it is pleasing to Him, whence arises the morality of the Atheist? ...Their virtue, then, must have had some other foundation than the love of God.
-Thomas Jefferson, Letter to Thomas Law, June 13, 1814

Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined and imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
-Thomas Jefferson, Notes on Virginia, 1782

Where the preamble declares, that coercion is a departure from the plan of the holy author of our religion, an amendment was proposed by inserting "Jesus Christ," so that it would read "A departure from the plan of Jesus Christ, the holy author of our religion;" the insertion was rejected by the great majority, in proof that they meant to comprehend, within the mantle of its protection, the Jew and the Gentile, the Christian and Mohammedan, the Hindu and Infidel of every denomination.
-Thomas Jefferson, Autobiography, in reference to the Virginia Act for Religious Freedom

Continues Paganpie, "The amount of God references, specifically Christian, written by all the founding fathers is so pervasive it's almost embarassing to have to debate an atheist who believes the founding fathers were anti-Christian. Does make for a good laugh on our part though!"

All the founding fathers, Paganpants? Specifically Christian? ALL of them? Try again, dipshit. Granted many were, some of the most noteworthy and influential among them--Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, Ethan Allen, Thomas Paine and possibly even George Washington--were post-Enlightenment DEISTS. Belief in God based expressly on the faculties of your stated enemy--REASON. Fucking Aristotlean Founding Father Fucks.

And lastly, Pagancake's third blog, Too Smart to be Dumb. In it he states, "What atheistic, secular humanist, materialistic only driven scientists are incapable of recognizing is the philosophy and faith that also drives their theory. That which you can test, repeat, and observe is science. Those ideas that don't fit that category enter into the realm of hypothesis and or theory which is faith driven based on trying to validate your already presupposed truth concepts which immediately relegates it to the world of metaphysics (philosophy) which scientists like Dawkins and Dennet have proven time and time again is way over their heads even at basic level."

Here, Paganpuss is kicking and screaming over the theory of evolution. His contrived reasoning bares something quite common among Creationists--they hardly understand evolutionary theory or the evidence behind it. Paganflavin doesn't realize that transitional fossils are indeed "observable" pieces of evidence. Paganpatch doesn't grasp the method of inductive reasoning. Nor does he want to. Science and Reason are the Enemy. Strangely enough, he doesn't have a problem with science when he's enjoying his heated shower-water in the morning, flying to a gig in a jet airliner, or downing a few Tylenol to relieve that running-on-short-brainpower induced headache. But, the moment science doesn't support his mythological worldview--the moment reason discards the man instantly whipped up from dirt/woman plucked from a rib theory--Mr. Angry Comic risks having a coronary.

Anyway, Paganstine, this is the long and short of it. "To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction," stated the evil scientist, Sir Isaac Newton. Your blustering, blithe and bloviating nonsense has landed you in the crosshairs of someone smarter, better informed, angrier, funnier, wittier and way better looking than you. Plus, I have the luxury of being crass. If you don't like it, put a helmet on. Although, frankly, a dunce cap would better suit you.